When Will I Breathe Again?
What do you do when, in one day, your whole world is shattered? When you wake up and think, “How did this become my life?” Yet, now that both shoes have dropped, you realize that you always knew something wasn’t right, so while you are in pain and shock, somehow you just really aren’t surprised. What do you do when all of that is going on inside your heart and soul? What do you do when you live your life day to day wondering if that ache in your stomach will ever go away? Or, if you will ever breathe normally again?
Those were the questions I was asking myself in February 2017. In January of that year, my husband, Jacob, was moved by his employer to a project site about 2.5 hours away from home. He would live there during the week and come home most weekends. Within a couple weeks of him moving, he realized that living alone during the week had placed him on a very slippery slope and he was terrified of what that meant. It was then that a slow trickle of confession started to flow from him every time we spoke. That trickle led to many questions from me, all of which culminated in a heart-breaking disclosure of sexual addiction. An addiction that he had had since he was 16 and had never been honest about with anyone, including himself.
I knew early in our marriage that things weren’t right or at least our marriage wasn’t what I thought marriage would be. It didn’t look anything like the beautiful marriage I had witnessed between my parents. Jacob would not pursue me. Intimacy was always my idea. This was devasting to a new bride.
I have never been one to shy away from an issue that I see needs fixing, so I would ask Jacob why he never seemed to have any desire to pursue me. He would always have an excuse. But as the months and years wore on, I began to blame myself and tell myself the lie that I was unattractive and not enough for him. About 5 years into our marriage, I was empty and ready to quit, but we had two babies by then so we started the counseling cycle and were in and out of counseling for 23 years. Looking back, it stuns me how those years flew by. Jacob, covered in crippling shame, could never bring himself to tell anyone what was truly going on, and thus, we just settled in as polite roommates raising a family together, all the while stuffing down a volcano load of lies, hurt feelings, and shattered dreams.
“We settled in as polite roommates raising a family together, all the while stuffing down a volcano load of lies, hurt feelings, and shattered dreams.”
So there we were in early 2017. Jacob was not coming home on the weekends. I didn’t want to see him yet. However, on a Sunday morning in mid-February, I called him right after church and told him I was driving to his apartment, and I wanted him to tell me everything. It was his last chance to get it all out on the table so I could make an informed decision on my next steps. (Let me just interject here… that wasn’t the smart thing to do. Disclosure before recovery tools are in place is not a good idea. Don’t follow my lead when it comes to disclosure. Really. You want tools and supportive people in your life when disclosure takes place, if at all possible.) Anyway, at that point, I didn’t know if I would stay and fight for our marriage or file for divorce. I certainly wasn’t feeling any love for him anymore and couldn’t foresee mustering up the strength to fight for a marriage to someone I didn’t think I loved. And honestly, didn’t even know.
That afternoon in a tiny apartment in Orange, Texas, everything was brought into the light. Jacob was so broken and so humble. I was hurt, but I was angry more than anything else. Yes, the truth was out, but I had been asking the questions that would have led to this truth for years and years and he had never been honest with me or with himself. In that moment after disclosure, I was also able to be fully honest about my feelings toward him and our marriage. We were both on the same page when it came to loving our family and wanting what was best for our kids. And somewhere deep down in each of us, there was faith, no larger than a mustard seed, that Jesus could put us back together. So, we decided to start working on things and see where we ended up. I didn’t promise to stay forever, but I promised to try. We were both so broken and utterly exhausted. I believe that in that small, slightly musty, apartment in Orange, Texas, we started to take back the ground the enemy had stolen.
You see, satan is mean, and he is a liar. He had managed to bury Jacob in shame for most of his life. That shame fed a continuous cycle of medicating and isolating in order to avoid dealing with the real trauma and pain that Jacob had kept stuffed down for over 35 years. He did not want Jacob to find any kind of freedom. But satan was about to have a fight on his hands. Jacob was finally ready to be totally honest with me and with our kids. He was finally at the breaking point where the pain he was experiencing on the outside was greater than the pain he had been experiencing on the inside since he was a young boy. He was ready to fight for his family and his freedom.
“He was ready to fight for his family and his freedom.”
Isn’t it so amazing that God is never surprised by the events of our lives? He is always providing in advance for the things He knows are coming our way to which we are oblivious. This was never more true to us than in this moment of our marriage. I had already connected with a counselor to help me with grieving the loss of my mom. We had not even had our first session yet when everything came to light with Jacob. God could not have put me in a better place. She was literally manna from heaven in those first several weeks. And she is the one that led me and Jacob to our group leaders and life coaches who were very instrumental in our healing. God extended great, great love to us when He put these three people in our path. He set us up for success before we even knew the depth of the failure that was heading our way. He is such a good Father.
We then began a long journey of recovery. We had both believed lies for as long as we could remember. Our recovery groups helped us unravel those lies and start seeing the truth of who we are and who God calls us to be and gave us the tools to battle the enemy and communicate well with each other. There were so many things I learned, and had to unlearn, about myself and about healthy relationships in general.
It was a long process that required a lot of vulnerability and extremely hard work. Jacob was steadfast and so faithful in fighting for my love and our marriage. I think that some people believe that if it is God’s will, there won’t be hard work involved, but that isn’t true. Jesus warned us that we would have trouble in this world, which is why it is imperative that we keep our eyes on Him as we walk through our worldly trials, because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). And, He never condemns us, but instead sits at the right hand of God the Father and intercedes for us (Romans 8:34). That reality is mind blowing! The Savior of the World is praying for you!
“I think that some people believe that if it is God’s will, there won’t be hard work involved, but that isn’t true.”
We are now three years post-disclosure and our marriage is better than it has ever been. Do we still have some issues we need to work on? Absolutely. We always will. But over the last few years, I have watched my husband work hard for our marriage and for our family. Jacob is a new creation and he walks with men daily as they are working to find their freedom. He has a unique ability to be compassionate with the men he is ministering to, but to also give them tough love when it is needed.
As for me, my shattered world is healed in so many ways and yet, continuing to heal because this life will never be perfect. I was angry and unsure of the future of my marriage for a long time. It was in a church service in Longview, Texas in November of 2018, 21 months post-disclosure, that things changed for me. We went there to hear Jacob’s recovery coach preach and at the end of his message, he asked the congregation to stand, close our eyes, hold out our hands and picture Jesus standing before us. Then he prayed for us to be able to release and give to Jesus the pain, the burdens, the sins we were holding on to. In that moment, with tears and other stuff flowing from my face, things changed for me. I forgave my husband and I was able to breathe again. I didn’t realize it at first, but by the next day, I realized I was lighter and the heaviness in my chest and burning in my gut was gone and I knew exactly when it happened.
“I forgave my husband and I was able to breathe again.”
Now, Jacob and I are both leading recovery groups, meeting with couples and individuals to help marriages and to fight the stronghold of sexual addiction. We can’t imagine doing anything else. We believe that God does not let our struggles and pain be for naught, so we can’t help but want to walk with other people as they fight their battles. Would I have chosen this path? Nope. I mean, would anyone? But it wasn’t up to me, and God never left my side. And, I am a much better, more real and more knowledgeable person than I would have been otherwise. Thank you, Jesus for working all things together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose (Romans 8:28)!
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