A Man’s Perspective
Do you ever have one of those dreams where you can’t seem to move; despite struggling, you’re still trapped? You fight and maybe even cry out, yet you just, can’t, move. Maybe you’re being buried alive or you’ve been running from someone or something and they finally have you; whatever it is it’s intense and scary. When you finally wake up you find you’ve gotten yourself all tangled up in your sheets. You breathe heavily for a few minutes as your mind and body make the transition from nightmare to reality. I hate when that happens.
Being mired in sexual addiction is like that; no matter how hard you try, be it white knuckling it, intense prayer, or berating yourself, you’re still trapped. It is scary and you feel like no matter how fast you run or how hard you try you just can’t get away.
That’s how I was feeling after thirty-eight years of being addicted to pornography. Thirty-eight years after finding the porn magazine in our attic when I was sixteen. Thirty-eight years of having images in my head I didn’t want. Thirty-eight years of feeling like I needed that release to get through the day, when I needed to escape or cope with stress or any other myriad of life events. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted out, I wanted to quit, I never could. I couldn’t understand why I could never seem to stop, no matter how much I prayed or verbally and physically abused myself. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to anyone or seek help. I went from feeling like what I was doing was bad, to believing that I was bad. Notice the difference?
“Don’t get me wrong, I wanted out, I wanted to quit, I never could. I couldn’t understand why I could never seem to stop, no matter how much I prayed or verbally and physically abused myself.”
When there’s guilt, there is an opportunity for forgiveness and restoration. With shame, it’s just “I’m a bad person” or “I’m a sicko”. This leaves little room for restoration. Just as our sheets become the binding fabric that traps us in our sleep, shame becomes the trapping that holds us to our secrets and significantly diminishes our sense of self-worth.
Ironically, it didn’t matter who I was with, be it a girlfriend, a one-night stand in my younger years, or my wife, Sarah, I was still trapped. I felt like a horrible person, like I was an anomaly, an outlier, and everyone else was better than me. Sadly, in an attempt to minimize the internal conflict, I sometimes justified it by telling myself I wasn’t really having affairs, I wasn’t going to massage parlors, I was just watching porn and fantasizing. That’s one weak argument for not honoring my marriage vows, for not pursuing my wife, and for wasting my sexual energy and attention on fantasy instead of reality.
“The main thing to realize is we are not the enemy; the enemy is the enemy.”
The main thing to realize is we are not the enemy; the enemy is the enemy. It is how satan works, he seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. He certainly sought to destroy my life, my marriage and my relationship and legacy with my kids. What I’ve come to learn over the last three years is that sexual addiction is a brain problem not a moral problem. Our brain rewards us with dopamine when we’ve done something that feels good. Neural pathways are formed creating new habits and, as with any other addiction, we need more to get the same high. Our desires change, our thoughts become a little darker, and our actions may take us places we thought we’d never go. Like all other addictions, reality is still there after the high; the stressors, the anxiousness, the fear, and we’ve now added shame on top of it. Yay for us.
It is a vicious cycle that destroys oneself and our relationships. What we fail to look for is cause and effect related to sexual addiction. It’s not just a thing to do; we’re not experimenting. Sexual addiction, like most others, is an escape or coping mechanism. We need to find a “happy place” when we are stressed, traumatically triggered, feel out of control, or feel we are not enough. It’s the difficult work of going into our past and better understanding ourselves to determine what led us to pornography in the first place. This work is made more difficult by our sense of shame and self-preservation. We are no longer worthy of freedom, and we sure don’t want to share our secrets with anyone else. But, you see, we have to. We have to be vulnerable and transparent. We have to see that restoration can be achieved. We have to believe in miracles. God may not instantaneously heal us of our unhealthy habits, but He will bring us into relationship with people who can walk with us through healing and restoration. Sometimes God gives us processes to bring about life-long changes.
“It takes more guts to seek help and do the hard work than it does to put on a fake smile, say “I’m fine.” and pretend all is well.”
It takes more guts to seek help and do the hard work than it does to put on a fake smile, say “I’m fine.” and pretend all is well. Aren’t you tired of living a social media life? Aren’t you tired of feeling alone, of feeling like no one will understand? There is healing, there is grace, and there is freedom. But first, there must be a desire. When the pain on the outside is greater than the pain on the inside (past trauma, old wounds, fears, false mindsets), then true change can take place. That’s how it was for me. Hearing Sarah say she didn’t know if she loved me or if she wanted to be married to me anymore was the catalyst that helped me finally decide to move past the shame and secrecy. It hurt like hell to hear those words and see the betrayal and hurt on her face. It was like a gut punch. I finally, truly became aware of the damage I had done to her and, though humiliating, it was also freeing to be completely honest with her and our adult children, who needed to know as well.
It is time to believe you are worthy of freedom from the bondage of addiction. God has never left you and He never will. Believe your marriage is recoverable and your wife and children (or future wife and children) are worth the fight. Cast your vision forward to a time of freedom, healing, and of living in the fullness of who God calls you to be. There will be hard work ahead of you, but nothing worth having is easy. We can’t walk around with blinders on nor can we avoid unwanted images online or on the television. Life will still be life, but we can deal with temptation in a better way.
“Believe your marriage is recoverable and your wife and children (or future wife and children) are worth the fight.”
You can do this. There is great reward on the other side. For me, that reward was to see the broken trust between Sarah and me restored. To be able to look in the mirror and not want to punch myself in the face. We will never be perfect, but there is peace, confidence, and strength on this side of brokenness. Don’t you want that as well?
