Expectations in Recovery
Accountability.
No Comparing.
Stay in your lane.
There you go, end of blog.
Just kidding! There is definitely more to say about each of those. What I want to echo from Jacob’s last blog is we can’t help but have expectations. However, they need to be realistic and well-managed. Otherwise, we tend to hurt ourselves.
First, accountability. The addicted spouse must commit to accountability. What does accountability look like? I would say it looks like what the betrayed spouse needs it to look like, within reason. Maybe it is establishing a relationship with a counselor or coach. Maybe it is joining a Seven Pillars of Freedom group or finding an accountability partner. To be honest, it may need to be all of those. This is not an unreasonable expectation for the betrayed spouse to have of the addicted spouse. Accountability is key and is a non-negotiable if both marriage partners want to heal the marriage.
“Accountability is key and is a non-negotiable if both marriage partners want to heal the marriage.”
Second, no comparing. One of the most damaging things I witness in my groups is a member looking at another member’s recovery process and wondering why hers does not look the same. Jacob sees the same things in his men’s groups. Someone’s wife may be ready for intimacy when another man’s wife is not. One woman’s husband may be fully surrendered to repentance and recovery, when another woman’s husband hasn’t even admitted there is a problem. Comparison is a tool of the enemy and will disappoint you every single time. There are many similar circumstances in recovery. But there are also circumstances which are different. We, as well as our spouses, come into recovery at different places in our faith, our marriage, and our ability to walk vulnerably with another. Have empathy for those that are in a different place in their journey, rejoice with those that are a bit further in the process, but do not compare. It creates expectations which will never be met. Not because your spouse may not want to meet them, but because at this point, it is possible they do not have the capacity to meet them.
“Comparison is a tool of the enemy and will disappoint you every single time.”
Last, stay in your lane. Often, I will meet with ladies whose husbands are not yet walking in transparency and vulnerability in regard to their addiction. These women feel scared, anxious and yearn to feel safe. They mistakenly believe they can push repentance and recovery upon their husbands. Sadly, this never works and only prolongs their pain. If this is where you find yourself, my compassionate encouragement to you is work on you. Do what you need to do to become your very best self. Find a counselor or coach, join a Betrayal and Beyond Group, reach out to me. Use boundaries and consequences where needed so you don’t prolong your trauma. Then, be still with the Lord. God’s timing is always perfect and sometimes as we work on ourselves, our husbands will start to crave the wholeness we are finding. Also, for God to work on our behalf, we must remove our hands from the situation. To quote Charles Spurgeon, “My case is urgent, and I do not see how I am to be delivered; but this is no business of mine.” God contends with those who contend with us (Psalm 35:1). He is not caught off guard. Rest in Him.
“God’s timing is always perfect and sometimes as we work on ourselves, our husbands will start to crave the wholeness we are finding.”
In my darkest moment, my friend Teri Craft shared these words with me and they have resonated with ladies over and over again, “There is hope and you are not alone.” As always, if we can help in any way, please connect with us.
